Making Time to Stand and Stare

I have wondered over the marvels of nature all my life, but today, it finally rested upon me and I feel sure it’s the origins of my inspiration.

My parent’s garden was on a hill and I could see for miles from the top. I could see sunbeams through the clouds as the light traveled in straight lines through the large cumulus clouds. I spent a lot of time alone looking up, physically and metaphorically and I always found wonderment and fascination.

Life speeds up and gets more complicated, but today I pondered on the poem by William Henry Davis called Leisure. I really have the need now to surround myself with the things that influence my own creative inclinations. I need to stand and stare as I did as a child. I may not translate nature in my work in a literal way, but I will allow myself to be impressed by its form, colour and line.

The Push and The Pull

I have battled with myself and my work for a number of years. I experience a cycle of frustration and self doubt when I work. I struggle to validate my work.

I thought maybe I was on the wrong path. Sometimes when you meet resistance, its not always a good idea to say to yourself, 'If I keep pushing through this and I will get stronger'. I believe that pushing yourself can help you grow but not all rocks need moving and maybe the rock your pushing is not the right rock to push against. I have often wondered if my frustrations with my artistic endeavours are worth the effort and do I experience resistance because I need to try a different path.

I have sat many times at my desk pondering about how I feel about my work. One day I said to myself 'Why am I spending my time thinking like this? Why don't I just go get a regular job like everyone else?' I sometimes feel like a fraud. There are people out there who work so hard, they just get on and survive. If they do self reflect, its followed with a swift kick up the backside along with the words 'Get a grip of yourself'. I have to ask myself 'Am I selfish?' Is an artists life a selfish one?

I have sat with my friend so many times in so many coffee shops saying the same things over and over again, 'Im so frustrated, why am I struggling with this?' She must be so fed up with it now, but she is a wonderful friend so she just keeps reassuring me to keep going but I do struggle with myself.

I think maybe I will always feel uncertain about myself and I think I will always question my motives and over analyse the purposes of my work, I will always challenge myself... I always have. Maybe thats the point. Maybe the struggle I have with my ideas and my techniques is why I am an artist. Maybe its the way I work? Maybe my struggle is my growth? Maybe my ideas are born out of this process.

Even if I did go and work at Tesco and abandon my artistic endeavours, I would still have the internal struggle.  As I stacked the shelves I would say to myself 'What is the point? What difference does this make? And who designed this rubbish packaging?'

This is just the way I am. I am coming to accept this now, it is how I work and I think there is a lot of other artists who approach their work in a similar way. I'm still questioning, but now I accept that the challenge is not just myself, the challenge is my process.

Driven to Distraction

I don’t have much time to myself. I would like to spend more time on my work but my personal commitments will always take the biggest part of me. However, I found that when I do have time to work, I sit in my chair and fidget about with my pens, clear my desk, make a cup of coffee and flick through my music on my phone. Then I check my emails and check Facebook, make another cup of coffee, look through my sketchbooks, then fidget with my pens again. What is wrong with me? Time is ticking and I’m sat farting about doing everything and nothing all at the same time, I’m not focusing on the important stuff. If I’m honest, I must admit that I actually want to get distracted. I want to be driven to distraction.

It seems there is a restlessness inside myself that needs to be calmed. How can I do that when I have so little time and so much to do?

One day, after much fidgeting, I picked up my mark-making sketchbook and I just got some left over ink and made marks with it, I then used water to see what effects its caused. I then saw a shape so I drew a face on it. I then saw that the ink had saturated though the page so I turned the page and it looked like a little landscape, so I drew on that. It was totally free, without planning or preparation, I was satisfying a need and through play that need was fed.

I needed to see how masking fluid would work if I rubbed charcoal over it, I needed to see how oil paints would work with turps to make an oil wash. I then wanted to see how these experiments translated into a digital image. I would photocopy them and scan them in to see how it looks. After a while I feel ready to get on with my ‘real’ projects.

Reflecting on this I realize that I actually need to experiment before I can focus, the playing helps me work quicker and efficiently. I feel confident in my techniques, and I understand how they work, I can then spend time on my idea’s and making them a reality. In a sense, I feel like I am having a creative ‘work out’ and it make’s me feel better. I value my experimental experiences more and more and It’s now a necessary part of my creative process and working practice.

I don’t think I can put into words how much it means to me, except when I go through this process; I am totally absorbed and intrigued at the possibilities. I feel I am involved in something bigger than myself and loose my sense of self–importance but I get focused on discovering possibilities. I’m sure my views will evolve throughout my learning experience, but I am confident in this method of working.

This idea is nothing new, professional’s have been talking about the importance of play in the creative process for a long time. I just know what they are talking about now and they are right!