The Push and The Pull

I have battled with myself and my work for a number of years. I experience a cycle of frustration and self doubt when I work. I struggle to validate my work.

I thought maybe I was on the wrong path. Sometimes when you meet resistance, its not always a good idea to say to yourself, 'If I keep pushing through this and I will get stronger'. I believe that pushing yourself can help you grow but not all rocks need moving and maybe the rock your pushing is not the right rock to push against. I have often wondered if my frustrations with my artistic endeavours are worth the effort and do I experience resistance because I need to try a different path.

I have sat many times at my desk pondering about how I feel about my work. One day I said to myself 'Why am I spending my time thinking like this? Why don't I just go get a regular job like everyone else?' I sometimes feel like a fraud. There are people out there who work so hard, they just get on and survive. If they do self reflect, its followed with a swift kick up the backside along with the words 'Get a grip of yourself'. I have to ask myself 'Am I selfish?' Is an artists life a selfish one?

I have sat with my friend so many times in so many coffee shops saying the same things over and over again, 'Im so frustrated, why am I struggling with this?' She must be so fed up with it now, but she is a wonderful friend so she just keeps reassuring me to keep going but I do struggle with myself.

I think maybe I will always feel uncertain about myself and I think I will always question my motives and over analyse the purposes of my work, I will always challenge myself... I always have. Maybe thats the point. Maybe the struggle I have with my ideas and my techniques is why I am an artist. Maybe its the way I work? Maybe my struggle is my growth? Maybe my ideas are born out of this process.

Even if I did go and work at Tesco and abandon my artistic endeavours, I would still have the internal struggle.  As I stacked the shelves I would say to myself 'What is the point? What difference does this make? And who designed this rubbish packaging?'

This is just the way I am. I am coming to accept this now, it is how I work and I think there is a lot of other artists who approach their work in a similar way. I'm still questioning, but now I accept that the challenge is not just myself, the challenge is my process.